It's a cat's life, an observer observes

After hours of concentrated study, I have made some (mildly, I think) interesting observations about a yellow feline. Her name is Lucy. Lucy lives with us. Or rather, we live with Lucy. My notes are as follows:

COURAGE AND VALOR. Yellow cat displays remarkable bravery. She runs directly toward and attacks a black dog four times her size. Her legs are outstretched, ears lying flat as she launches herself three feet in the air so as to land on the dog's head. The dog is undisturbed, however, because he can't even see the yellow cat through the glare of the (closed) sliding-glass door.

ENVIRONMENTALLY SAVVY. Yellow cat illustrates care and concern for the environment by sparing all small rodents, insect pests, and birds (my guess is that it's too hard to stay abreast of the endangered-species list). Instead, yellow cat busies herself with stalking and preying upon lint, stray cat litter, or microscopic life invisible to the human eye.

CLEANLINESS. Yellow cat bathes herself for hours on formal sofa in living room. Goes outside to patio and rolls in sand and dirt. Returns to sofa.

PHYSICAL FITNESS. Yellow cat gathers and conserves energy during the daylight hours so as to be able to perform aerobic workouts at night. When bedroom door is closed, yellow cat can be heard doing laps up and down the stairs, making use of every muscle to spring up each step and make a noise not unlike that of a herd of attacking elephants.

AFFAIRS OF THE HEART. Yellow cat looks longingly at my husband, no matter what he is doing. Follows him around house. When he leaves the house, yellow cat cries as if mortally injured. All attempts on my part to comfort her are scorned.

GOURMET APPETITE. Yellow cat sits beside my husband for hours sharing Lucky Charms or Fruit Loops. Will also eat dirt and, on occasion, lettuce (cat, not husband).

THRILL-SEEKING. Yellow cat bolts up tree despite lack of front claws. Enjoys rooftops, particularly at night (to stargaze?). Reports to neighborhood - from rooftop - on her whereabouts.

KINETIC POWERS. Yellow cat has uncanny ability to move humans about as if they were chess pieces. When called, yellow cat vaguely acknowledges that a plea has been made, but does not stir. After more begging and pleading, human retrieves yellow cat. Yellow cat has not had to move a single muscle.

Other examples: Yellow cat approaches door, which draws human to door. When door is opened, cat looks at human with disdain and retreats from door. Same result if cat is outside.

INTELLIGENCE. See all of the above.

(c) Copyright 2001. The Christian Science Monitor