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Reality me

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If you listen to the entertainment news or watch basic cable these days, then you know about the explosion of reality shows. The success of the shows seems to be predicated on the idea that while you may hate taking out the garbage, you'll love seeing Ozzy do it.

Even though celebrity has eluded my clutches, I decided to investigate the phenomenon of reality television by creating my own show about my life. The online Christian Science Monitor, ever ready to support intrepid investigative journalism, agreed to send an entire production team to cover a day in my life. Although the footage has yet to be edited, I thought I'd give an advance crack at the highlights.

9 a.m. My day starts. I read the newspaper.

9:05 a.m. Still reading the newspaper.

9:07 a.m. Despite producer's pleas for more excitement and adventure, I am still reading the newspaper. That Ziggy.

9:45 a.m. Exercise. Despite producers' desire to present all aspects of my day, I draw the line at televising my hamstring stretches and gut crunches. This is family entertainment, after all.

10:15 a.m. Sit down to read a novel.

10:25 a.m. Still reading.

10:30 a.m. My team of handlers, eager for some more excitement, suggest that we go to a rodeo for some exciting visuals.

10:31 a.m. Log onto the Internet to try to find rodeos in the major metropolitan area.

10:45 a.m. No rodeos, although I discover that there are many web sites devoted to frantic speculation on upcoming "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" episodes.

11 a.m. As long as I'm online, I figure I might as well surf the net a bit.

11:28 a.m. I am distracted by the sound of the producer tearing his hair out. Decide to do a good deed by agreeing to leave the apartment.


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