Good afternoon and welcome to Big Pete's Comedy Hot Line. To simplify my life, cut my costs, and annoy you to no end, I have automated my comedy column.
For slapstick comedy, press 1 until your finger pokes through the newspaper and your cat mistakes it for a worm, then bites your finger until you swing it around your head and you fall into the pool.
For sarcasm, press 2 (if you can count that high).
For clever read-between-the-lines comedy, press 3.5 and look for a hidden message between "that high" and "For clever." It's there - keep looking.
For cruel comedy at the expense of another, just watch the poor sucker who is trying to find 3.5 and reading between the lines to find the joke.
For double-entendre, press four or fore, your choice.
For comedy with an unexpected twist, press nothing, just start singing "Livin' La Vida Loca" to a stranger on a train - laughs guaranteed.
Since it's tax time, for tax humor press 7, divide by line 14 from Form 275B, take 16 percent of your last year's 1040 line 34, and enter on line 18 of standard comedy amortization Long Form 778, which can be found on the IRS website after April 15.
For frustration humor - figure it out for yourself.
For humorous poetry or limericks...
There once was a button called 9,
Whose pushers all waited in line,
To laugh and to holler
They did spend their dollar,
In hopes that the dang thing would rhyme.
For completely lame humor, see the poem above.
For completely rude humor, press 0.
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• Peter Crabbe is a Los Angeles-based comedy writer.