In the 1990s while Sheryl Sandberg was learning how to 'lean in' to her career, I was learning to lean in at home as a single father. And the truth is that you can’t lean in equally hard at work and at home. Instead, we can be 'all in' – present in the moment, focused passionately on each task.
In the 1990s while Sheryl Sandberg was learning to “lean in” to her career, I was learning to lean in at home. I was following much of Ms. Sandberg’s as-yet-unwritten advice. Accept every challenge. Be more assertive. Don’t worry so much about being liked.
In the mid-90s, I was a divorced father of three with joint custody and a more flexible schedule than my ex. That made me the go-to parent for sick days, hastily arranged parent-teacher conferences, and carpooling. There were years when I took my four weeks of vacation, two hours at a time, so I could leave my office at 3:30 and attend my kids’ baseball, lacrosse, and soccer games. I wanted to show my kids a father who could do it all – cook, clean, negotiate play dates with stay-at-home moms, throw a birthday party, coach the basketball team, and still have a career.
And I wasn’t alone. I know a lot of men who chose to lean in at home. To become better partners and fathers. To give their wives equal time at their careers. It’s no longer rare to find marriages where partners evenly split the workload and the parenting. In fact, a few years after I divorced I was lucky enough to marry a wonderful woman with another inflexible schedule. I continued to lean in at home. I’m leaning in right now.
I want to make it clear that I admire Sheryl Sandberg. I have no problem with her or her advice. I just don’t care much for books and arguments that address whole genders. Men are not from one planet and women from another.
Everyone makes choices about where they want to lean in. And the truth that doesn’t get addressed in books like Sandberg’s is that you can’t lean in equally hard at work and at home. Men can’t do it. Neither can women.
I developed an approach that I might call “All In” if I were writing a book that needed a catchy title. Going all in isn’t about devoting yourself entirely to a career. And it isn’t just about balancing career and home. It’s about intensity. The subtitle of “All In” might be “Practicing the art of passion at work and at home.”
I work with a lot of twenty-somethings, male and female. Some of them are leaning in quite well on their career paths.