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And the (zillionth) winner is ...

With some innovative – and ludicrous – new prizes, the writer honors, well, just about everyone

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The awards season – we hope – is over. (There’s usually a two-week break in July, although the Frida awards, given by the Mustache Association of America in honor of Frida Kahlo, are still to be handed out.) Once again, I have not been given a Tony, Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, or anything voted on by anyone other than my butcher. (My hopes for a Frida have been dashed by an inadvertent close shave on the left side of my lip, forcing me to walk around in profile.)

This is why I would like to suggest some new awards, so that instead of a mere 50 million winners, each American, especially me, can hold a statuette and say, “I’d like to thank my agent.”

The Foxies: In honor of perpetually upset Fox News personalities, these soiled copies of artist Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” will be awarded to the person outraged by something – anything – for the longest period. Winners will be judged by the length of their outrage and not by what is outraging them. Thus a restaurant patron who refuses to leave the table for 24 hours because there is a charge for an extra cup of coffee would win a Foxie over someone who merely plans to hold his breath until Barack Obama confesses he is a Muslim.

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