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Home at last

Oct. 1, 1982

Phil, your next piece is due in two weeks. Don't disappoint. Editor, Home Forum Oct. 4

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Dear Ed. Thanks for your memo. You can count on E.T. and me. My Extra-ordinary Typewriter and yours truly have been an inseparable team for eighteen years. We will not fail you! P -- Oct. 7

P -- My assistant informs me a complication has arisen. Explain, please. Ed -- Oct. 8

Dear Ed. The unspeakable has happened! Aliens have taken E.T. My wife claims he went trustingly with her this morning to a repair shop for a complete overhaul. What indescribable tinkering will that insensitive race of mechanics inflict upon my faithful companion? I'm inconsolable. P -- Oct.11

P -- I'm returning your penciled plot line, which was an unacceptable substitute for promised commitment. Expect your completed offering forthwith - tempus fugit! Ed -- Oct. 13

Dear Ed. When I returned home this evening I found a ransom note from the aliens in my mailbox. Their terms for E.T.'s release are absolutely outrageous. My spouse has counseled me to negotiate. I shall never forgive myself if those beasts have harmed a single key of my dear friend's console. P -- Oct. 15

P -- This was the date I was to have received your ms. Instead you have sent me a repair statement. Borrow another writer if you must. You have till Monday a.m. (the 18th) to comply. Ed -- Oct. 18

Dear patient Ed. You will be pleased to know I have sought the assistance of the firm of Smith, Underwood, Royal, Remington & Olivetti to effect E.T.'s immediate release. I anticipate no further delays once E.T. and I have been reunited. P -- Oct. 20

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P -- Receiving a T-shirt blazoned with ''E.T. loves editors'' was hardly the response I expected from you. I trust this final extension of your deadline (till the 22nd) will not be construed as an exculpation of irresponsible commitment. Ed -- Oct. 21

Dear forgiving Ed. A resolution of E.T.'s incarceration seems imminent. My wife, with a blank check (I want E.T. back at any cost), has volunteered to try her experienced hand at diplomacy. I have confidence in her ability to deal effectively with the aliens and precipitate E. T.'s coming home. P -- Friday, Oct. 22

Phil, the Editor will be in conference all day today. I have placed your cuddly peace offering on her desk along with your latest excuse regarding your delinquent submission. Personally I don't think an E.T. doll will prompt the kind of sympathetic editorial response you are hoping for. Regards, D -- (Assnt. Ed.) Oct. 25

Dear long-suffering Ed. Today I actually talked with E.T. by phone. His alphanumeric console sounded fine. I have been promised his unconditional release tomorrow. You should be receiving a first-person account within a week. Sorry about delay. P -- Nov. 2, 1982

Dear Mr. K -- , Thank you for your most recent endeavor which the Editor earnestly hopes will somehow find its way into alien hands long before she returns from the 'round-the-world cruise she felt was necessary at this time. She said she had had her ''Phil of E.T.!'' (Secty., Home Forum)