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No, children, you cannot ALL be export economies

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Melanie Stetson Freeman / The Christian Science Monitor / File

(Read caption) Satira Larimer fills out a worksheet at F.M. Day Elementary School in Denver, Colo., in this 2009 file photo. Satira has already mastered playing well with others, unlike most of the G20.

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Children, children, please! Stop your bickering and sit down in a circle. China, have a seat, you too Brazil.

Japan, you get a Time Out. That kind of aggressive currency behavior simply will not be tolerated – you lose arts and crafts privileges for one week. Origami swans count, put that paper down!

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The simple fact is that although you'd all like to be export-driven economies, this is a logical impossibility. If everyone in the G20 is to be a net exporter, then we'll either have to convince Mongolia to start buying a lot of stuff or find alien life elsewhere in the galaxy to market and sell to.

Ah! Now you're quiet! Very good children. Dropping your currency will be punished the same way as dropping your pants in this classroom - it is strictly forbidden.

And picking on Brazil will also not be put up with. Brazil is a growing boy and needs to be able to export, too. Stop snickering, Timmy, I saw right through your 'Strong Dollar' speech the other day. And China, your cosmetic rate hikes are just as phony, none of us are fooled.

Here's the deal, children...If we can go the rest of the day without any more jawboning, saber-rattling or currency manipulation I will reinstate milk-and-cookies time this afternoon.

Do try to behave.

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