Share this story
Close X
Switch to Desktop Site

Holiday offensive

Christmas Day TO ALL PERSONNEL Permission is hereby granted to use my new P.E.T. (Portable Electric Typewriter) for the transcription of all official matters. Once again, may I thank the troops for their generous Christmas gift. D.A.D. (Director of Administrative Duties) Christmas Day To: Director of Administrative Duties

As per order I wish to bring to your attention the urgent need to tile the basement floor. Could this area be rehabilitated in time for our New Year's Eve party? M.O.M. (Manager of Maintenance) December 26th M.O.M.

About these ads

This is to inform you that your request has been given a Priority One classification with the code name Basetile. I will proceed immediately to select personnel I feel can be entrusted with this obviously hazardous undertaking. You will be kept apprised through official P.E.T. channels. D.A.D. December 26th Special Orders For: Private Glenn

I have just been ordered by the High Command to undertake the Tiling of the Basement Floor by New Year's Eve. As a responsible Sixth Grader, you have been drafted to take charge of the immediate evacuation of any and all objects from the area. D.A.D. December 26th Special Orders: For: Corporal Karen

I am presently under orders from M.O.M. to tile the basement floor by New Year's Eve. Based on your 19 years of distinguished service to this garrison, I'm assigning you to sweep and mop the area as soon as Pvt. Glenn has completed his program of evacuation. D.A.D. decEMber"' deeeeeear dad,

YOUR New el ec tric 1/2 ortable is decent. I will begin evacuating tonite r8 ght after MASH. OK? Can you hel1/2 me move the pingPONGGGGG TABLE? p. glenn December 27th For. Pvt. Glenn

Received your coded message. I have a high level strategy meeting at the bowling alley tonight. Will rendezvous with you in the basement at 0900 hours tomorrow AM to deal with any pockets of resistance. D.A.D. 28 December TYPE-O-GRAM D.A.D. BASETILE SWEPT STOP NOT MOPPED STOP FOUND BROKEN MOP ON YOUR WORKBENCH STOP CORP K December 28th To: Director of Administrative Duties

Is there a news blackout on Operation BASETILE? Has your situation deteriorated? Did you find the PressTile in the garage? Can you still meet deadline? M.O.M. December 29th To: Command Headquarters C/O M.O.M.

There have been a couple of unforseen logistical snafus which caused some temporary delays. However, I hasten to reassure you that may troops are now in position to begin our major offensive. From the Front, D.A.D. December 30th ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL IN BASETILE SECTOR

About these ads


All troops are ordered to assemble at BASETILE Command Post at precisely 1900 hours this PM immediately following The Bob Newhart Show. Never has so much depended on so few in so little time. In desperation. D.A.D. December 31st D.A.D.

By the time you read this I will be on leave at a rock concert I bought tickets to six weeks ago with M.O.M.'s permission. If you're still up when I get home I'll help you tile. Get mop fixed? Sorry, K December 31st D.A.D.

M.O.M. read you SOS over the phone to me. Did you forget I'm sleeping over at Jason's tonite and won't be able to help you. We're going to see AIRPLANE, a movie about everything going wrong. See you New Year's Day. TYPED AT JASON'S, GLENN New Year's Eve FRONTLINE BULLENTIN To: Command HDQTRS C/O M.O.M

Defeat at BASETILE seems imminent! Stacks of adhesive tiles are in position but last-minute desertions are preventing me from pressing my advantage. This probably my final communique . . . mop just broke again . . . situation now critical . . . there's the front door bell . . . all seems lost. . . . Regretfully, D.A.D. To: The Director of Administrative Duties From: The Manager of Maintenance, Command HQ Dated: New Year's Day RE: Stunning Victory at BASETILE

It is with considerable pride and gratitude that this garrison commends you for singlehandedly obtaining your objective at BASETILE on New Year's Eve. In the face of overhwelming odds amidst the bleakest of circumtances your brilliant tactical maneuver of involving 22 New Year's Eve guests in a Tile Party with team prizes for most tiles laid, neatest job done, and fastest row times was truly a stroke of genius. We all salute you, D.A.D.

Follow Stories Like This
Get the Monitor stories you care about delivered to your inbox.