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No, your husband is not deductible ... and other IRS tales

Claiming the cat spa or ugly suit? Amazingly, the IRS sometimes says yes.

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When it comes to tax write-offs, there's no end to people's creativity.

Everyone knows the Internal Revenue Service won't allow you to claim a trip to the day spa as "preventive medicine" or your dry cleaning bills as a business expense. But consider the woman who wanted a charitable deduction for donating her husband (that's how she phrased it on the form). The tax analyst was left to assume she meant that his time had been given to a cause - which is nice, but not deductible.

For all the cautionary tales, there are missed opportunities, too: Only about one-third of taxpayers itemize their deductions. H&R Block estimates that the average person loses $400 in overlooked tax breaks every year.

So as Thursday's deadline approaches for filing your return, go ahead - dare to dream. Tax preparers will thank you, because without their help, you'll have difficulty discerning which weird ideas actually pass muster and which are just outlandish.

Here's a quick quiz. How many of the following expenses can be written off: (a) your dog, (b) your suit, (c) a business trip paid for entirely in cash. You're probably expecting (d) all (or none) of the above, but here's an even more annoying answer: (e) It depends. (You'll have to keep reading if you really want to know.) Many have tried but few have succeeded in deducting pet expenses. "If you've got a real business that requires a guard dog, you're cool, but if IRS [agents] actually meet that guard dog and the dog goes and licks them in the face, you have blown the deduction," says Eva Rosenberg, an expert in Las Vegas who calls herself the Tax Mama.

Guard cats?

Boarding your pet while you're away on business does not count as a business deduction. On the other hand, H&R Block reports, if you relocate for business and it costs extra to move the pet, that's legit. And a write-off for pet food was allowed in order to attract wild cats to a scrap yard to keep away the snakes.

Now, how about that wardrobe? If you have to wear suits to work, you can't deduct them as a business expense. But it's a different story for uniforms and other clothes that you can't reasonably be expected to wear in any situation but your job.

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