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How to help a kid beat a bully: soft defense

I am not condoning violence or combat. Jiu-jitsu means the ‘art of softness.’

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If you stand up to a bully, he, or she, will back down. But what happens when you don't know how to do that or, when you do, the bully doesn't back down?

Recent news reports have provided evidence ranging from a boy firing a gun in school to a little girl begging her parents not to send her back to her tormentors because she'd rather die than go to school one more day.

I have four sons, two in high school and two in elementary school. Bullying has been a factor for each son, at various ages, in both public and private schools.

The immediate disclaimer here is that teachers and parents can do only so much to help a child combat bullying. Telling an authority figure and bringing in the bully's parents often result in the bully getting more cunning and vicious.

At some point, we all have to learn that the victim (at any age or stage of life) is the one with the true power to stop a bully – or any abuser. For example, our high school has cameras all over to document who hit whom first, but getting to your student in time to prevent major damage is not a solid lock.

Also, according to the student services representative, students are not allowed to get into "mutual combat," which is "a bout of punching/hitting." If your child hits back, he or she gets punished, no matter who started it.

Students are, however, allowed to take down and pin an attacker once they've been attacked and while they wait for help to arrive while not being beaten to a pulp or causing damage to another.

To find a resource for that kind of defense I called a colleague, Adisa Banjoko, founder of the Hip-Hop Chess Federation in San Francisco. He's been banging the "jiu-jitsu is mental and physical chess" drum for two years. Now, he's persuaded me to take a new Gracie Brazilian jiu-jitsu course with my sons. (You can also buy the DVDs and do it at home with your children.)

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